talking

Sometimes I am very guilty of saying the wrong thing, I will admit, I like to talk and right now, I am hurting... I took a while to get back to anyone reading this blog... I wanted to clear out the people from my Facebook... I wanted a break with time to think and freshly write new word in this blog, online. I am hurting bad right now... I say things and sometimes my mind is so cluttered I cannot even think it over long enough. This is loss. Death. Loss of an immediate family member, an unexpected passing. I woke up not this past, but the Sunday before... I woke and I learned the news... My uncle on my moms side, not uncle Steve, but uncle Tim, passed away. I was stunned, I had just woke and this news was sprung on me as I lay in bed about to wake up, tired, not all there, I remained in shock for a time. Shock. Still. Lifeless. Emotionless. "Cheerful". Statue. I remained. I was. I had no idea how to go about mourning my uncle. He was my uncle, the only one in Minnesota. He was nice to me. He was the only man in my life who offered to be there if anything went wrong, he said to call him one day, out of the blue and he jotted down his number. I feel like that made a big impact on my life, someone truly cared. I miss my uncle, more than I will let on to others. I have cried over it a bit, just melted down over it. Death is hard, it is final, because it feels final, it feels permanent and it feels like a major loss. Gone. Poof. No more. Right now in my home, there is loss, it surrounds me, my cat is gone, he was rather like a member of the family based on how long he had been in my life. I posted about him a while ago, I still miss him, so much. Right now I am crying over it again... My ole cat.:/ I even miss the smell of his litter box... I miss his fur being everywhere, I miss having cat hair on black clothing, I miss his sneezes, I miss his big ole eyes, I miss his purr, I miss petting his soft fur coat. I miss him following me around, I miss playing hide and go seek with him. I miss my cat so much. More than anyone can imagine who is in my life besides my dads parents who lost their little cat, Annie this year. I loved Annie too, grew up going to Iowa and playing with Annie. Yet Tommy, he was the cat I was able to be excited about seeing every time I came home. Now hes just a memory, a photograph. I miss him. Every single day, I miss not having him outside my door, not having him sneeze on me, not having him rub his ear on me. I miss him so much, and his little gaze, he was the most adorable cat.